i've got something on my mind. but i'm not sure how to convey it properly without being misunderstood. it's from my point of view. not much a topic of discussion or to debate to. just relating to it. for without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unclaimed.
losing it. im losing it. not my sanity but my joys. joys of friends. first there was alot of us, then left a few, now as the time passes by, with work commitments and less pleasure of the passion, with new additional and loss of the vintage, everything starts to stimulate and change differently. the wind of change is hitting. hitting towards a new direction. a new horizon.
backs turning. emotions changing. expressions moulding. it seem so surreal. from one person to another, all the characteristics known are fading. maybe it's true that friends comes and goes. nothing stays. but how about those who you want to hold on to? some things are eternal. not in a prophecy kinda way but it's worth the try. ever did that word? try? or maybe it's too much to ask from a human agenda.
yes. i admit i lied. i lied to a certain extent to get something what i want. i know i'm wronged. i really apologise. but is the apology accepted? if there is still some emotions way deep inside, do forgive. and make it up to the loss. rather then leaving them out? hanging and spacing out? don't tell me you're not lying. then if you said that, then that is the biggest and most ridiculous lie ever.
i know there are secrets folding somewhere. but isn't that what it is suppose to be? a secret? not when the whole world knows about it and then you are treated differently, directly and not discreetly. secrets are meant to be secret. not shared. not discussed. but to oneself. word-vomit do happen but not all the time. not to the verge of breaking one up.
what about ties? relation ties. yes if it is severely damaged do cut it off. but if it is just stained or tattered, fix it. and keep it strong. don't let the devil in you create such a vengeance into cutting ties. worst, the demon Lucifer in you, influences you to psycho your friend to cut ties with others. it shows how much up-bringing you got? not being judgemental but isn't it true? try to be the smaller person in such a situation, how would you handle that truce about on your side? think about it.
trying my best to nurture each and every of my relation. i know it's hard to please everyone. but i'm trying. juggling from workfare, family and friends. it's a challenge i'm willing to take. but if there's no one noticing it then it hurts. badly. some tell me to take my leave. stop holding on to it. once upon a time, i would stand up and disagree but now i think i might consider. because i'm already sailing that ship yet to sail it away. but i want to cruise it with some of them. not alone.
i talked too much. i bossed too much. i lied too much. i cared too much. i loved too much. i concerned too much. to some, im defensive. to some, im an inferior to them. maybe because at certain extent i'm too honest. or too out there. but in any way, let the past be the past. let it be an experience to learn from. to build-up from. to study from.
gosh! i'm like having some pre-menstrual syndrome. lol. its just something that has been bottling up inside. i don't want to lose any.
from the bottom of my heart, i love each and everyone of you. you know who you are. the dolls and bitches.
do reply to my message on FB. do it privately instead of threads. stimulate me and yourself. i don't know how else to get you.
"When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught."
toodles
izhan shah
p.s: trust me when i say, i've changed.Labels: no sabia que me pasaba
when i watch Sex and the City: The Movie, it tells me how much i visualise of what i want in a friendship and i'm glad i had that moment before. wish it can happen again. well wishes hardly come true. but no harm wishing.
anyway, i tried one trick to see if i can actually put in my faith on some people. i played it and made that person promise not to tell. but i know its not the truth but this goes just how much a person can take up a promise. well, it shows that not everyone you can trust. because trust is such a big word to handle with. i know it's evil of me to do such a thing on someone but on a certain extent to know if that responsibility have been carried out faithfully, one have to come up with such trivia things to see if its worth it. turns out its not. and now, the big hoo-haa from all that saga turnsout to be i'm the bad guy. i'm the cause of such rumour and i'm not to be trusted. well, suits you. all i can say, you are so new. im not at a gain nor im at a loss.
by the way, fad's entry about lies is so true. and i loved his last paragraph about "lies can destroy you and your friendship with the people that you love...etc etc...". i respect him in a way that he can be really smart if he wants to. he's such an intelligent blogger i tell you. that's one of the reasons i still love him as a friend. to a certain extent he's mature. have a read of his entry about lies again and again and do understand it.
i'm applying it to myself too, mind you(whoever you are). and if i did something wrong in the past, hurting someone, bitching on someone or even defamed someone, from the bottom of my heart i apologies. i'm a new person ever since i started to grab a hold of myself and getting to know my religion and my beliefs. too bad some new people think they know me to bad-mouthing me before they even ask me why i came up with such a lie. i'm not criticising just sympathising. too bad no emotion can be predicted on cyber.
now what's running in my mind is not whatever is going in rounds from mouth to mouth but whatever is happening to one of my friend, A. let's just stick to that. this A friend of mine has been long gone. as in not socialising like before. and before you know it, whatever A is going through is too much for A to take. just imagine, A leave the group, A distances, A got a new partner. the partner hates us, the partner prevents A from hanging around too much with us. the partner possesed over everything that A has, even to distancing A from high school friends. and A is so swooned over by the partner that A did not realise that the partner is not alone. infact the partner have another half. 5 bloody long years. but A is not aware of it. poor thing. now the thing is how to let A know about it? when A is so into the partner, A won't listen to anyone but the partner. hmmmm~ tricky tricky....
well anyway to you mister-i-know-everything-and-im-so-possessive-and-obssessive-but-naive-coz-im-actually-stupid, i know from the start you never liked me. so who gives a shit? but i'm still angered by the thought of how you trying to manipulate my dear friends into turning their backs on me. i'm glad one of them is still around, hanging by my side but not as closely bonded but still loved. read this you little piece of shit, be aware that not only you don't have that many friends, and you have their patience triggered to boiling points, if you don't jolly well change who you are right now and do some soul-seraching for yourself, mark my words, you gonna lose them or have a huge arguement with them. not even an encouraging working colleague, supportive family or blessed anything. infact you might lose your newly-stead boyfriend. because you are so irritatingly stupid to know what works and what doesn't. have some self-respect and stop swooning over your ex-boyfriend because he is so not interested in going back to you. i'm not cursing but i guess this is the only way i can give you a wake-up call since you hate me so much which i don't know why up till now.
someone once said, "people care about people who care about themselves..." but i think otherwise...
toodles
izhan shah
p.s: i try to be patient but i'm hurting deep inside....
Labels: scared of lonely~
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Wednesday, October 21, 2009
the day i got tortured by the bitches for not turning up as planned by the "hat day" theme. and the result is, 8 dulcolax pill sponsored by syima, the girl who claims shes fat but stick thin like fuck. some obsession. but just to update ya'll, nothing happened to me. as in nothing bad. just a whole lot of cleansing of the bowel which end up with a huge pot of poo. just once. i don't know how azman's results are. kesian budak tu. well, my body system is immune to such laxative. only contact ones works badly. period.
well, guess what? i might actually have my own apartment to live in. a confirm greenlight from my parents. but all that gonna happen only after my sis moved out to get her own place. maybe in a year times'. so from now until that day, i have to start saving like crazy so that i can actually support myself personally. not just food and clothes, bills and expenses need. am i ready? guess so.
but now i want to go back to school. not academically but more on practical. i'm so interested in the course that was offered by make-up for ever professional. the thing is, i'm not looking forward for the academy at singapore but more at france. paris to be exact. learning the techniques from the expert and being consign to the photoshoots and runways of the world capital of creative fashion. very tempting but financially it's gonna totally burn a huge hole in my pocket. so huge i have to start doing escort job to support myself per say. lol.
talking about escorting, i thought of doing it but apparently it's not as safe as it sound. it's considered soliciting. and pay wise, negotiable. worst you can end up being a jailbird because the law in Singapore has yet to approve on PLUs. plus being a hostage at the reprimand centre ain't pretty. it's like free labour. lol. so not my cup of tea.
oh, btw, for all you movie lovers, go and watch To Wong Foo, Thanks for everything, Julie Newmar. not only it's a fantabulous movie, it features the late Patrick Swayze as a drag queen. very convincing. and the 3 main characters remind me of fad, ayun and me. lol. those were the days. the days when our young blood are pumping with ambigous adrenaline rush for vogue attention.
oh ya, i'm pestered to have my own make-up tutorial on youtube from those who wana have the touch of the QueenBee. but i'm sorry it will not happen any time soon because i'm not good on cyber tutorials plus the looks that was requested are easily found on youtube itself. so i leave all those tutorials to those make-up gurus. kudos to such patience and creativity. some of the tips are even useful to me cause it kinda refresh my mind on such tricks. well, just like fashion, make-up is a cycle thing. it repeats. all you need is practice and talent. it may look fabulous on them but maybe it won't work on you because certain looks don't compliment certain features. so practice.
and now, i'm gonna get dress to go adam road with the mak ayams for some supper.
toodles
izhan shah
p.s: am i invinsible and transparent?
Labels: julie newmar
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Tuesday, October 20, 2009
i'm so gonna miss these guys. those times that we spent together cam-whoring. proclaiming to the world that we are the top of the crop. lesser time to mingle now. but who knows what the future holds.
anyways, project hope was kinda disappointing. i mean the performances wasn't that incredible. not boomz enough. except for the indonesian idol winner. she got great vocals. the one from thailand is utter rubbish. she can't even hold a note properly. sarah aqilah was another disappointing story. to think that someone who has fabulous vocals get dumped into a mix of singers is all wrong. she should get the limelight alone. but anywho, the donations that flows in is mega. it shows that no matter what the economy might be, sympathy and generosity still remains undisturbed. kudos.
so now i'm in a controversy where my job is not fulfiling and im on the hunt for a new one. just the thought of doin something that i love without the depression of retailing is so overwhelming that i might burst into a galaxy of fashionista where i was naturally fed and bred well enough. tempting. very tempting. freelancing ain't gonna put food on tables and pay bills. it just burn a hole in your pocket and i can't afford that. responsibilities is the backbone of my life now. presentation comes later.
moving on with life of the birds and the bees, i totally agree with fad about abstinence but then again envied the people who got a shoulder to lean on. friends and family can only do so much. but the body and soul needs more than that. well, will cross the bridge when i reach it. guess it's under construction now. patience a virtue.
till i get what i want, this is my unscripted rants...
toodles
izhan shah
p.s: wonder what the future holds....
Labels: rantings of me
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Monday, October 19, 2009
after so long....
im back blogging. after so much going on in life, i realise i can continue with blogging again. not that blogging is such a hassle to me but theres so many things i want to voice-out, typed-out, hear-out but don't think its something that most people can handle. worst it's gonna be a topic of discussion. well, that's what is happening.
so i've been caught up with work. and lots of work. and i hardly have any time for the people that i lean on to. like family, friends and even myself. i even cut down alot of meeting up with my best bitch, fadlee. from a daily basis, to a weekly basis ending up to a monthly basis. how screwed up is that. i don't get to mingle with the new ones. not even the old ones are contacting me that much. well, what to do, this is life. it comes and goes. one time your the main factor, next your just a passerby. worst, you are treated like acquaintance.
but from the looks of it, i got nothing to loose. i mean not that i don't care about them anymore, i still do very much, just that i had my fair share of the warmth and love, cold and bitchiness. and from a bird's eye view, whatever is going on right now, happened before. the difference is the character, place and the personalities. but to a certain extend, a wee-bit dramatized. those who start it off with me, understand what i'm saying. but its up to you to agree or not. whatever it is, i still pray for the best things in life to happen to all of you, as always.
history may not repeat itself, but it can be repeated. just wanting the old times back. the bonding, the chilling, the caring, the counselling, the bitching, the beautifying, the grooving and all the -ings that we did before. some may tell me "let's just say it's gonna stay like this for a long time..." but i would love to say "so it may stay but don't let this be the parting..."
love you guys always.
toodles
izhan
p.s: why am i the jeopardized victim?
Labels: from bitches to dolls....
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