i've got something on my mind. but i'm not sure how to convey it properly without being misunderstood. it's from my point of view. not much a topic of discussion or to debate to. just relating to it. for without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unclaimed.

losing it. im losing it. not my sanity but my joys. joys of friends. first there was alot of us, then left a few, now as the time passes by, with work commitments and less pleasure of the passion, with new additional and loss of the vintage, everything starts to stimulate and change differently. the wind of change is hitting. hitting towards a new direction. a new horizon.

backs turning. emotions changing. expressions moulding. it seem so surreal. from one person to another, all the characteristics known are fading. maybe it's true that friends comes and goes. nothing stays. but how about those who you want to hold on to? some things are eternal. not in a prophecy kinda way but it's worth the try. ever did that word? try? or maybe it's too much to ask from a human agenda.

yes. i admit i lied. i lied to a certain extent to get something what i want. i know i'm wronged. i really apologise. but is the apology accepted? if there is still some emotions way deep inside, do forgive. and make it up to the loss. rather then leaving them out? hanging and spacing out? don't tell me you're not lying. then if you said that, then that is the biggest and most ridiculous lie ever.

i know there are secrets folding somewhere. but isn't that what it is suppose to be? a secret? not when the whole world knows about it and then you are treated differently, directly and not discreetly. secrets are meant to be secret. not shared. not discussed. but to oneself. word-vomit do happen but not all the time. not to the verge of breaking one up.

what about ties? relation ties. yes if it is severely damaged do cut it off. but if it is just stained or tattered, fix it. and keep it strong. don't let the devil in you create such a vengeance into cutting ties. worst, the demon Lucifer in you, influences you to psycho your friend to cut ties with others. it shows how much up-bringing you got? not being judgemental but isn't it true? try to be the smaller person in such a situation, how would you handle that truce about on your side? think about it.

trying my best to nurture each and every of my relation. i know it's hard to please everyone. but i'm trying. juggling from workfare, family and friends. it's a challenge i'm willing to take. but if there's no one noticing it then it hurts. badly. some tell me to take my leave. stop holding on to it. once upon a time, i would stand up and disagree but now i think i might consider. because i'm already sailing that ship yet to sail it away. but i want to cruise it with some of them. not alone.

i talked too much. i bossed too much. i lied too much. i cared too much. i loved too much. i concerned too much. to some, im defensive. to some, im an inferior to them. maybe because at certain extent i'm too honest. or too out there. but in any way, let the past be the past. let it be an experience to learn from. to build-up from. to study from.

gosh! i'm like having some pre-menstrual syndrome. lol. its just something that has been bottling up inside. i don't want to lose any.

from the bottom of my heart, i love each and everyone of you. you know who you are. the dolls and bitches.

do reply to my message on FB. do it privately instead of threads. stimulate me and yourself. i don't know how else to get you.

"When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught."

toodles

izhan shah