[currently listening to coretan cinta - dayang nurfaizah]
"inikah cinta? menghiris jiwa. kau biar hidupku jadi melara. sucikah cinta? kau cemar janjinya. bertarung aku dengan sengsara..."
i was suppose to be working today. but i opt for an urgent leave. i juz cant funtion. i cnt think. n im too tired to do practically anythng. too many things in mind. too many things to say. too many things to do. emotion worked up. love played an evil twist on me. im lost. im dumb-founded. im roaming ard aimlessly in the twilight zone. tryna figure out wat wrong tht i did to deserve the rudest saga. now i feel like crap. or mayb lower than tht. its juz too much. truth hurts....hurts real bad....
"Tak rela ku bersedih...Dihimpit duka...Berkaca hati merintih...Pecah tak ku duga....Ingin ku meluahkan...Segugus rindu....Kembalilah keindahan....Cahaya dihatiku"
i knw im not suppose to hav met u. but the things which now i wish were better left unsaid were over n done with. meeting u yest was all wrong but its the only way to get it out of my heart. talking emotionally with fad was one of the best moments during overniting. n he pestered me to at least do sumthng abt it. not tht im not thankful for him helping me to make a decision. i guess its juz too much for me to handle. where do i go from here? im filled with so much fear, guilt, hatred and sadness. when all tht i want is....i dont know...haiz.
"sayang...tika kau menyepi. tinggal diriku sendiri. gelas-gelas kaca, jatuh berderai dan menemani hidupku...tiada akhirnya"
luckily i met up wit fad yest n share it with him. wat im gg thru. we cried togeda. its hurtful. thx lovely bitch for the moment....i felt a lil much betta....but still.....
anw lets try not to talk abt this anymre....
lets have sumthng to bitch abt!
tryna make my mind off it....
well here goes....
now i got a confession.....~ ha ha ha huh?
hehehe...lemme share u sumthng abt this bitch whom im working with. to begin with shes so annoying. shes so irritating. shes so trying. like ugh~! i wish i can juz grab a sickle n shove it up her ass. whom she tinks its sexy. like eeww! get a life. ur like on my nerves rite now. ur so fake n i caught u. if u cnt b a gd actress..then dont coz u suck in anythng u do anw. ur juz trying to get attention. trying to b sumthng ur not. trying to copy. but stop trying coz u can neva b any good or better than any of us. u cant n u neva will. u simply suck. dont blame me if evryone hates u. coz ur the one who had it coming. try to appreciate frens. u keep saying u do but u neva did. ur juz a selfish, two-headed retarded dog who thinks shes all tht. what? im so snapping at ur face but ur too stupid to see it bitch. toldja ur not even close to bein smart. ur juz a wannabe. ur too much of a liar to have any real frens. sheesh~....i cn so go on bitching abt u bt its sucha waste o time...
anw to dear lil miss grillz. accidentally in love is a nice feeling but darl, dont get too insecure or paranoid k. u may not wana say it but its too damn obvious. juz chill sistuh~ nobody tryna steal ur man n nobody is a competition to u. everybody has tht crush on him. but its juz a frenly harmless orgasmic crush. nothing more. hahahaha. but erm...frm my point of view, i juz simply cnt see u wit him. mayb juz for a few weeks. coz u so deserve a matured-thinking guy. or atleast sum1 whos 25. not sumbody ard ur age or younger. thts for me n fad only. hahahaha. juz take a deep breath babygirl...u knw ur loved. so we cool~?.....ok so when can i go out on a date with him? hahahahahahah....
to dear lil miss bighair with the bigvoice. lets start tht game rolling! hehehehehe
ouhya~
ECP was fun. to a certain extend lah. not all was a bed of roses but still i survived the thorns. not speaking abt the splinters i had. but anw, eventho it started with me having bad mood. a real bad one. but i didnt show it n no one can tell. hehe. except fad coz he was there when i was having torrets. hahahaha. getting to know syarif, fadly n islam was refreshing. n hanging the whole nite wit my bitches was arousing. hahahahaha. i loved it. it was pure clean fun till the "spin the bottle" came ard. tht got evryone nauseus. ahakz.
then the unexpected annoyance came. joe n wan. like ugh. satu mcm step mana nya bagus. lagi satu high on drugs. well, wan i dnt giv a damn tht much lah coz tht mat was so into his drugs tht he mind his own business. the real pain in the ass was joe! not tht i hav anythng agnst him but tht guy was full of shit. total bull. the first two meetings with him at mac n shesha was ok...till the third time. n they say third time is a charm. mayb for his case its a crap. total poopy crap. hes juz so annoying. so annoying i wish i had a shot gun n juz shot him dead in the head. n watch happily as the blood oozes out thru the layers of peabrain. argh! well if he have a problem changing his style then dont bother to meet agn. for u hav to change to stop anymore cold shoulder coming ur way.
n i juz love when morning came. the windy breeze of the beach. the rising sun. the cool ambience. juz perfect. then to make it even better, syarif came n had a swim. hahahaha. orgasm giler nyah oi! in those white see-thru berms! thank u affyq bitch~ u made the morning a woody one. hahahahha.
damn those were one of the days n moments tht i wish neva end. it was sheer fun.
anw to think tht akid cnt make it, he appeared in the morn. with a fren. to go skimming. n damn he hasnt change one bit. but it was a short mit coz by the time we were all shagged n ready to go home.
btw, i so wana chill n mit my bitches before im down n cramped wit work. next outing will be bulan puasa. buka togeda, jln2 togeda. n erm can we plan to sahur togeda? wic means we buka...then we stayed up chatting n slacking thn we sahur before we went off home. hehehe...
so ifah when we gg to catch movie? im waiting. can we make it on the 20th? im off. can can can? its time we have our sisterly bonding again. hehehehe...
klah...
im done...
toodles
mizbithaqueen
p.s:
adakah sebenarnya ini cuma permainan cinta hampa? tidakkah kau merasa derita? ibarat berkecai alam semesta terapung tenggelam entah ke mana arah....sampai hati kau, mempermainkan cinta suci ku. kau guris hatiku lalu kau cuba membalutnya....
[currently listening to am i dreaming - kat de luna]
hahaha...okok i knw bitch u hate this pic coz u tink u look fat with an artificial butt. who cares..i look gorgeous..as always..hahahaha
anw ppl saw this pic n they comment saying we look good! as in really good...sexxay~ but ya as usual...ppl thot u r my elder brother..or izit sister? hahaha..u pick...
oooh...ooohh...sumthng juicy happened ppl! to my colleagues...Y n H.
i used to b so mad abt wat used to happened. but now, it happened to Y n H. hahahaha. mcm nak ketawa ada..mcm nak kesian kan ada...mcm nak advice ada but i prefer to ketawa first! hahahahaha...i used to say tht im dedicating the song Fancy by DC to tht particular person n yall will b smiling bout it. now yall getting it...hahahaha...okok...repeat afta me...
"i dont fancy you too much...u tink u cute u tink u fine...ure always tryna steal my shine...get off of me..dont mess with me...u knw who u r...."
betta?...NOT! hahahahaha...y i have a strng feeling sum1 gonna blow up real soon....cnt wait! hahaha...its been awhile i catch a soap opera...suspense/thriller lagik...coz u knw wat they say...mutual admiration leads to physical pleasure. a photocopier does nothing but copy...hahahahaha
we'll c wat happen k....
anw...to dear mr rockstar aka nak step str8 aka the one wit the jendol partner...whose jendol so big..luohan pun sujud....can i say one thing....can u like break up oredy!!! girlfren u so deserve sum1 betta. like way betta. u cn so get sum1 betta. u knw u can. i juz simply dnt understand y u stuck with the elephantitis forehead....haiya....ive heard...afta wat happened to u at library n u still bother? sheesh...if only i have my way...i will be busy selawat, zikir n berzanji then sepak2 ur dahi sampai bengkak mcm penyakit hydrocyphulus.....alar penyakit kepala banyak air gatal lah...bodoh peh pelacur. ada org hott tk nk...yng terminal disease tu jugak gila2kan...tk faham aku...
anw...i so cnt wait for fri...hehehehe....u knw wat i mean....
toodles
mizbithaqueen
__________________________________________________________________
Monday, August 11, 2008
[currently listening to If You Had My Love - JLo]
*geez my throat still hurts*
oh ma gawd...its been a tiring day. as usual...wat will usually happen if im not working and im at home n tht particular day falls on a sunday? DUH! im cinderella for the day! sheesh.
mana kene kemas, kene masak, kene cuci baju, jemur baju...haiyo. susah2...
so to day all i did was clear the store room. jadi bulan puasa tkyah susah2 sgt nak kemas umah. then i went to the market to get the ingredients to cook. coz yest mama went to tha market tapi barang tk cukup. sheesh. market apa tu?
today the dish or should i say dishes of the day is....rendang ayam with sambal goreng pengantin served with nasi empit n lontong. not to forget mango pudding for dessert. but dessert is beli dah siap lah. hahahaha. tk kuasa nk siapkan mcm2.
so ya~ smua dpt mkn kan? dah kenyang kan? so we watch movie lah. i bought two new movies...Look Who's Talking and Sarkar Raj...both damn nice. both different storyline. both diff language. hehehe. n damn i tell u...Aishwarya in Sarkar Raj is superb. its something frm her tht u havnt seen. suka~
well i got a few things in mind to put up in blog but not the time yet. hmmm. we'll c when k. coz its bits of my dirty little secret n this time round no one knows. not even fad. hehehe. only me. i spill the dtails soon. hehehe...
anw, wateva i talked to u plz dont spill any. n if it disturbed u plz bear wit it. its not a mean thing. juz being open to it. juz sharing. try to see it wit an open heart k. sum things r betta left shared coz it mite bring good to the other party. but like u said u started it...i didnt knw anythng...so y not u end it witout me in it. k. im there for u. u knw its true.
btw, i so cnt wait for 15th to cum. i need those moments without feeling the guilt of having to wake up the next day for work. i wanna get high too but witout any groping or loud music. hehehe.
ouhouh...talking abt 15..yest my long lost hubby contacted me!!! hehehehe. alah mr cool guy lah. akid! hehehe. we chatted a good 30 mins b4 he hung up to get snacks. tht bozo. mkn jek. we let out moments of missing each other, updating bits n pieces. n i invited him to cum down this 15th. he agreed! yeayness. hehehe. told him to invite prinze along. dnt knw lah if prinze wana cum. hmmm....wonder how he look like afta all this donkey moments...
so it seems like on 15th smua ada date lah kan...cibai.
fad n lala ada azman.
q n gaz ada joe.
ifah ada syafiq.
ayun n neya ada fadz.
affyq ada alif...maybe?
me? no one...damn u bitches.
nasib baik tkda color code...
well i tink my date gona b either vodka or bacardi lah...
hahahahaha
n n btw q darl...wheres the pics we took on fri?
gaz wheres my perfume?
babe wheres my pressie?
tasha wheres my pressie too?
hahahaha
tuntut ni. hahahaha. btw bitches if yall gg shoping agn..get sumthng for me lah. evry top or btm i will pay 5bucks kkk. hehehe
toodles
mizbithaqueen
__________________________________________________________________
Friday, August 01, 2008
[currently listening to no me ames - jlo feat marc anthony]
once again...Happy Bdae MUM!!! sorry but pressie will b late. hehe.
btw i had loads of food when i reached home. theres durian puffs, cheese cake, pizza, jemput2 pisang, chicken, n loads more bites. im like so full now tht i cnt sleep. hehe. trying to digest. physically.
mentally rite now im kinda unstable. no no not fad unstable type but more of a ifah unstable type but less high school drama n more of "the notebook" movie drama or shud i say moulin rouge? hahahaha. anws mayb to sum this topic is getting bored but sumhow this topic neva fails to question me...of the why who how when where whom n what....haiz...
here goes...
im still in a state of confusion of my status rite now. i mean i keep saying singlehood is nice n all but then agn i keep mentioning tht being attached is nice too. im like tryin to analyze this? whats wrong with me? where did i go wrong? whos responsible for my plight? whom shud i turn to? when will this end? why me? how shud i trun the table?
i can sit down n think of all the ppl i knw n how easy as a snap they cn get partners. is it tht im too fussy? or did i put up a wrong impression? i juz cnt see whats wrong with me...mayb sum ppl out there cn tell me whats wrong.
fad say tht all gay relation is based on sex. hahaha. tht slut. at certain point of time its true. but y shud it b tht way? y cnt we have a normal relation n not just mere lust? is lust the only option to have a partner?
ppl told me thts how it works. but y cnt i dream of having a cinderella story of my own. a fairytale where sumone out there can sweep me off my feet n b with me for who i m. n not for my physical but personality n mental as well.
sumtyms i go as far as to think tht im cursed. cursed to b single thruout. is it true tht true love struck only once? but i thot everything cums with a 2nd chance? isnt tht wat life is abt. to learn n to adapt. new ones tht is. so what if i was loved but it got lost coz God loved him more? does it mean thts it for me?
i keep falling for the wrong ppl. either they r attached, straight, engaged or juz plain horny.
i mean...LOOK AT ME...whats wrong with me? ive heard ppl saying tht my aura is overpowering. i caused ppl to b inferior n insecure when im ard. i cause them to think twice abt making frens with me. i cause ppl to think tht im a snob. i cause ppl to think tht i have high expectations. but to want sumone to love n to hold, to share n to scold, to laugh n to cry, to low n to high is too much to ask then i guess i have to re-evaluate everythng. is it too much to ask? isnt tht wat relationship is all abt? if it isnt then wat is?
ppl may say thousands of things abt me but do they really knw me? bsides babe, my bitch n my mum, i guess theres alot more to me than it meets the eye. when i say im shy by nature no one blive me. they think of the opposite. but did it occur to u tht ppl put up a facade juz to not show the real them too much for they fear the outcome. its not tht im too plastic. everybody is but im real. what u get is wat u see.
i dont go prancing ard being overtly confident abt myself. i dont go cursing or bein too str8forward. i dont go lie abt myself. im me. is tht too much to handle? if it is then tell me, but thn agn who would even have the guts to tell me str8? to think i cnt handle truth. its not abt whether u cn handle or not its abt how u accept it n put it in a way to better self. please...even sumtyms my bitches have alot to say but they dont. instead i have to hear it thru the grapevines.
i remmber sum1 said, "im not afraid of izhan..." then y r there still moments of unwanted silence?....
haiz. mayb its true mayb its not wat ppl think abt me. but isnt there any kind soul to actually break it. all my life ive been waiting for sum1 to bring a fairytale my way. been livin in a fantasy without meaning. its not ok. i dont feel safe.<--lyric lagu lah...hahahha...but i mean it.
mayb ive been practicing the wrong words. kept telling myself..."its time to b brave. say im not afraid. not anymore. i used to be cold. now the temperatures change. it juz aint the same. cause i become brave. as alot of days. straight into the cave juz show me the way. tht i might be safe. im turning the fate. thanks to the power of love i can love because i am brave."...<--lyric lagu jugak..n i still mean it.
im juz waiting for the day to come n i hope it will b soon. im tired. dead tired of waiting. dead tired of hoping. ive had my share of being Devdas. let me be Parvati........
toodles
mizbithaqueen
p.s:
life of a gypsy singing "i wanna b with you" by mandy moore....
__________________________________________________________________
