[currently listening to no me ames - jlo feat marc anthony]
once again...Happy Bdae MUM!!! sorry but pressie will b late. hehe.
btw i had loads of food when i reached home. theres durian puffs, cheese cake, pizza, jemput2 pisang, chicken, n loads more bites. im like so full now tht i cnt sleep. hehe. trying to digest. physically.
mentally rite now im kinda unstable. no no not fad unstable type but more of a ifah unstable type but less high school drama n more of "the notebook" movie drama or shud i say moulin rouge? hahahaha. anws mayb to sum this topic is getting bored but sumhow this topic neva fails to question me...of the why who how when where whom n what....haiz...
here goes...
im still in a state of confusion of my status rite now. i mean i keep saying singlehood is nice n all but then agn i keep mentioning tht being attached is nice too. im like tryin to analyze this? whats wrong with me? where did i go wrong? whos responsible for my plight? whom shud i turn to? when will this end? why me? how shud i trun the table?
i can sit down n think of all the ppl i knw n how easy as a snap they cn get partners. is it tht im too fussy? or did i put up a wrong impression? i juz cnt see whats wrong with me...mayb sum ppl out there cn tell me whats wrong.
fad say tht all gay relation is based on sex. hahaha. tht slut. at certain point of time its true. but y shud it b tht way? y cnt we have a normal relation n not just mere lust? is lust the only option to have a partner?
ppl told me thts how it works. but y cnt i dream of having a cinderella story of my own. a fairytale where sumone out there can sweep me off my feet n b with me for who i m. n not for my physical but personality n mental as well.
sumtyms i go as far as to think tht im cursed. cursed to b single thruout. is it true tht true love struck only once? but i thot everything cums with a 2nd chance? isnt tht wat life is abt. to learn n to adapt. new ones tht is. so what if i was loved but it got lost coz God loved him more? does it mean thts it for me?
i keep falling for the wrong ppl. either they r attached, straight, engaged or juz plain horny.
i mean...LOOK AT ME...whats wrong with me? ive heard ppl saying tht my aura is overpowering. i caused ppl to b inferior n insecure when im ard. i cause them to think twice abt making frens with me. i cause ppl to think tht im a snob. i cause ppl to think tht i have high expectations. but to want sumone to love n to hold, to share n to scold, to laugh n to cry, to low n to high is too much to ask then i guess i have to re-evaluate everythng. is it too much to ask? isnt tht wat relationship is all abt? if it isnt then wat is?
ppl may say thousands of things abt me but do they really knw me? bsides babe, my bitch n my mum, i guess theres alot more to me than it meets the eye. when i say im shy by nature no one blive me. they think of the opposite. but did it occur to u tht ppl put up a facade juz to not show the real them too much for they fear the outcome. its not tht im too plastic. everybody is but im real. what u get is wat u see.
i dont go prancing ard being overtly confident abt myself. i dont go cursing or bein too str8forward. i dont go lie abt myself. im me. is tht too much to handle? if it is then tell me, but thn agn who would even have the guts to tell me str8? to think i cnt handle truth. its not abt whether u cn handle or not its abt how u accept it n put it in a way to better self. please...even sumtyms my bitches have alot to say but they dont. instead i have to hear it thru the grapevines.
i remmber sum1 said, "im not afraid of izhan..." then y r there still moments of unwanted silence?....
haiz. mayb its true mayb its not wat ppl think abt me. but isnt there any kind soul to actually break it. all my life ive been waiting for sum1 to bring a fairytale my way. been livin in a fantasy without meaning. its not ok. i dont feel safe.<--lyric lagu lah...hahahha...but i mean it.
mayb ive been practicing the wrong words. kept telling myself..."its time to b brave. say im not afraid. not anymore. i used to be cold. now the temperatures change. it juz aint the same. cause i become brave. as alot of days. straight into the cave juz show me the way. tht i might be safe. im turning the fate. thanks to the power of love i can love because i am brave."...<--lyric lagu jugak..n i still mean it.
im juz waiting for the day to come n i hope it will b soon. im tired. dead tired of waiting. dead tired of hoping. ive had my share of being Devdas. let me be Parvati........
toodles
mizbithaqueen
p.s:
life of a gypsy singing "i wanna b with you" by mandy moore....
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