"Inikah dugaan yang ku terima, menyintai mu sepenuh jiwa. Untuk bersama mu, kesabaran membakar fikiran?"
am i tht insignificant? ive been yearning but still im left disappointed. after what ive gone thru. still im left all alone. i tried and i tried to find a new lease of relationship but always, im left in the dark. i willing to giv my all to commit in a relationship but wheneva i do, im always been played around. been the joke of evry connection. to think tht im strong to handle it but hey, im a human too. a human with feelings. u may hurt me n think tht i can handle it but evrythng comes to a limitation. im tired. tired of being unwanted, tired of bein played, tired of bein left in a crossroad.
"Jika benar cinta itu buta, butakah mataku? Berkali terluka masih jua kumerindu."
when i was given a ray of hope. i thot my wait is over. but then im left disappointed again. it juz wasnt meant to be. people keep telling me to tell him. the least i could do to prevent getting hurt deeper. but its easier said than done. i tried to let it go. yes i did. coz i remmber the saying, 'sometimes letting your love go is better than holding on.' but how can tht b done gracefully if u undastand my position. i eva did try to keep my heart shut, and do everythng with my mind. let whoeva tht loved him b with him. encourage tht person to love him. eventho tht person knws abt my true feelings. but wat can i do? brawl and not make anyone near him? im not that kinda person. i want the person i love to b in love coz tht way he can b happy. dnt u feel happy if ur loved ones are happy?
"Tak rela kuturutkan hati. Menyesali apa yang terjadi. Andainya begitu suratan yang tertulis diazali..."
yes. the first initial failed. he wasnt ready. and she felt disrespected and rejected. she moved on. i grieved. i miffed. i chafed. and so the days gone by. i picked up myself. to b strong again. it was fine. i go on everyday with a smile outside but still a sadness in me. coz i was missing tht one person badly but i keep seeing him evrywhere. it lacerated me. and to those who knws wat im gg thru. i thanked thm for not giving up to keep me gg on. and so we bond with each other closer. we became agony aunts to one another. juz tht the comfort level was there tht we cn trust tht person to let all out. and help each other to find a solution. it was a smooth journey but neva did i forget abt him evry moment. sometimes the thot of him makes me smile.
"Sedih sekeping hati yang luka. Derita menahan rasa. Lara jiwa hati merana. Bila berakhir segalanya. Tak sanggup lagi daku. Menanggung sengsara kerna. Terlalu menyintaimu..."
wanted to run away coz i cant face it no more. its like im abusing myself. but for how long can i run? for this world is a small place. and wat can i afford to do? make rivalry with him juz so i cn move on? thts worst. dont declare war when u knw its not gona end. so i stay. living evryday to the fullest coz u may neva knw wat tomorrow brings. then came a soul who became a buddy. n tht soul on a latter parts declare the idolatry for him. part of me was like 'yess! finally' part of me was like 'hold on be strong. u cn face it. make him happy'. so i aided in anyway i cn. comfort when that somebody is hurt by him. gave that personage encouragement to b out of the closet for the love of him. bein happy for tht character evrytym when a topic abt him arises but deep down, im nipped evrytym i was told abt it. im slitted. grazed. slashed. nicked.
"Dugaan...Inikah dugaan untukku? Hujungnya yang tak seindah mimpi hanyalah igauan ngeri.."
i forced myself to be firm steady and tough. keep telling myself its ok. its not like im gonna get his love in return. infact im not surprised if hes disgusted, appalled, displeased, quesied. and then i'll b hated, repulsed, disliked and abhorred. tht is why i keep telling tht personage, dnt worry abt me. dnt even bother me. even when i will sort of avoid u. coz its the best for me u n him. in this way no one gets hurt except me. let me b the one getting slashed. if u love me as a friend, do me this favour. take care of him. thts the best u appreciation you can giv to me. try not to hurt nim. wheneva theres a flare between the two of you, talk things out. but try not to come to me. im not tht grounded to hear it. juz let me love him in silence, for in silence i wont get hurt by him.
"Hati disebalik tenangku bagai kaca musnah terhempas ke batu..."
what cracks me up is when my lovelies wana get me a partner by the end of march. thts cute. but it wont happen. thanks anyways. if it happens then its my luck but if it doesnt, its ok. i take it as a game. yes i can go with the flow, but no i cnt b with sum1 with force. it will b unfaithful. my body will b with the new partner but my heart will b for him. yes u may say no harm trying. if only ur in my shoe, u knw how it feels. to cry urself to sleep. only to woken up by the sound of his voice. disturbed by dreams of him. 4 years is too long of a missed desiration. 3 mths is too long for a yearning to b desired. but wat more will come in my way. the memories of him keeps playing by the presence of him.
forlorned. forsaken. abandoned. isolated. deserted. dicarded. shunned. neglected.
toodles
mizbithaqueen
p.s:
mengapa ada derita bila bahagia tercipta?
mengapa ada sang hitam bila putih menyenangkan?
akanku pulan tanpa dendam
kuterima kekalahanku
kusalutkan kemenanganmu.
aku terdampar disini tersudut menunggu mati
sampai nanti suatu saat tak ada cinta kudapat.
What hurts more.. knowing he never loved you or knowing he never will?....{♥}I think I would rather be [blind] then see *you* with her{♥}
