had our session of no holds barred. it wasnt tht much of a qn. yet it wasnt tht dull either. it was short sharp n direct. but stil, certain secrets hav to b kept safe. in order to not split. i was taken aback by certain qn. i wasnt ready. im sorie ayun if in anyway i make u feel afraid. coz wateva ur feelin is wat im feelin at e same moment. honestly, we r not ready.
so it was more of a relationshp we had rather thn frenshp. we bonded big time now. we r like family. honestly, i wil kip thnkng abt u ppl whn im not seeing u guys. thts how much i care love n treasure. u may not feel e same way towards me but thts ok...theres otha thngs to thnk abt rather thn dphat.
seriously, relations is a very strong action. u cant live wif or wifout it. its both advantage n disadvantage. in cn cheer u up at tha same tym bring u dwn in a snap. but wats life wifout relations. it makes u whu u r, ryte? so theres a few relations in my life i wana share.....
FAMILY:
im blessed wif family tht cares n love me. im blessed to hav their support in anythng i do. but im not gonna deny it tht sumtyms its a pain whn thy r too concern tht thy r holdin u back frm not doin wat ur heart tells u too. its always do anythng thy would do n dont do anythng thy wouldnt. but this is me, i'd rather experience it hands on thn read abt it. its betta tht way. how can u tell tha candy is sweet wifout tasting it but by just listen to wat ppl say ryt? evry1 got different taste. but thn again, kudos to my mum specially for bein there for me all this time. i dunno whts gona happen to me whn ur not ard. u r tha light of my life. i love u so much.
WORK:
ive been thru all kinds of job scope. frm f&b to sales. be it cashiering waiterin tailorin dressin stylin evrythng. ive had a fair share of evrythng. frm entertaining locals to as far as ppl frm kawazulu. im sure no1 eva heard of tht plc. but yeah it exist n tha ppl r so cute. cute in a naive way. thy actualli measure their shoe size using their arm wifout even trying it. i knw its scientifically correct but who does it? n thy tip you by giving long hugs n a kiss on tha forehead as a bonus if thy feel u to a certain level of comfortability. sweet nah? ive even tried nitelife. frm factory to pubs. trust me if ur not strong enuff n u love ur beauty sleep n youthful looks, its not ur kinda cuppa tea.
FRIENDS:
honestly. i dont choose my frens. im open to anyone. i make frens wif evry1. my frens ranges frm the normal boys n girls to the abnormal(disabled lah)...oso ive frens whu r homeless, homewrecker, gays, lesbians, tranvestites, transexuals, prostitute, mamasan, gigolo, bitches n sluts, bimbo, himbo, gangsters, nerdies, rejects, foreigners, cleaners n what hav ya. i hav all. coz i dnt see tha purpose of choosing ppl. if back to basic, evryhtng is abt u. mix ard wif evryone anyone but dont follow the bad aura of thm. thts my philosophy. but frens r juz frens. thy come n go. to those whu stand by me thru thick n thin, thy r my loved ones. bcoz unlike thm, frens r like biscuits, sekejap ada sekejap takda. but dont get me wrong, i appreciate each one of thm but selected ones stay in my heart.
LOVE:
ok heres the longest chapter. hehe. the selected ones im proudly to say r my darling babe, wanie, my rasta gyal, sara, my bitch, fadlee n my new love, d'phat. seriously it wasnt easy to b a part in my heart ok. it needs love concern caring n sharing(macam family advertisement plak). but firstly, it needs trust. the strongest word. wifout trust, we have nothing. how can u love sum1 if u dnt trust them ryt darls? but trust dont com tht easy. u hav to earn it. n trust me to earn sumones trust is a truthful job n u have to b trustworthy to gain tht trust (geddit?)...wateva u do dont break it coz it wil not come in easy the next time, it wil be harder thn u cn eva imagine. its not tht sum1 dnt trust me, its tht i dnt trust tht sum1. sum1 frm my past. my mum always say, to love n to trust is easy but to maintain n enriched it, its a task. its neva ending.
STEADY:
this is the hardest. seriously, for now, i dnt c myself bein in a relationshp. i want to but i just cant. im scared. scared of losin. scared of betrayal. scared of hatred. scared of evryhtng thts hurtful. only a couple of my loved ones knw wht ive gone thru. its so hurtful, i try to put it in word. so here goes,....
1) i used to go out wif this girl. we r good friends. evrythng was gg fine till one day shes been skippin classes n ignoring me. i thot i was losing my gal. wasnt i good enuff? wasnt i fair? but it turns out tht i wasnt wat she really wants. i was too decent for her. to her i was a naive. but to me shes a bitch. coz u knw y, i gotta knw frm her father tht shes pregnant n she claimed it was mine. how cn tht be whn i dnt even touch her? its lame tht we r steady but the most i went was a peck on tha cheek. how cn she get pregnant thru tht ryt? so i make a police report, it was a court case, i demand a DNA test so to proof it wasnt mine, heck i was only 14. i hav a bright future ahead of me. afta a 33 days of hearing, e truth is out, it wasnt mine but my best bud. i was devastated. it was a triangle. tha bitch wnt thru me to gt to my best bud. i had a breakdown. frm tht moment i dnt trust any1. 6 yrs lata, i bummed into her, to knw tht shes nw a widow. its a retribution. i wasnt proud neither was i sorry. what i told her was i forgave u but i dnt forget. there goes a year of relations wif her.
2) i moved on. i cnt trust girls no more. its not bcoz of girls i turn gay ok. i was already a bi tht point of time, i was stil on a voyuer to recognise myself. but to know i had to go thru shits to knw where i stand now is painful. thts whn i decided to love me more. i was in sec3 thn. but i knw this guy back thn whn i was in sec2. hes my senior. 2 yrs older. a very nice guy. i had tha hots for him but it was just a crush. until we attend a malay camp thts whn i gotta b his buddy. got to knw him betta. hell yeah hes so fine. for sum1 whus 17, hes like a 25 yrs old guy kinda mindset. the last nyte of camp, he was no where to be found, i went searching. turns out hes in tha basha, crying his heart out. consoled him. found out his girlfren(of tha same clas) dumped him for his bestfren. upon hearing, i cried too. it was like a blast from tha past. i knw wat he was feeling. we ended up console each otha. it was one of the most heartwreckin nyte ive eva faced. thts whn we bcame closer. more lyke bestfren. we would practically do evrythng together. play n study. he was my inspiration. vice versa. but i knw it wont go any further coz hes like supa str8. hes cool abt my sexuality. but there was tymes whn i get jeloz coz he cnt stop talkng abt girls. geez~ imagine how red my years were. it was bleeding. thn, out of no where, thru our late nyte conversation, he broke tha news tht he will b in tha army tha next day(graduatd lah, im lyk sec4 liao~) i was disappointed coz im lyk the last prsn to knw. i hung up tha fon immediatly. thts whn he send me sms n say "b tha light of my life" those 6 words make me smile. i had him. but to my surprise, his family knw it too. mak~ malu sak kiah. thn i got a call frm his mom saying tht she neva seen her son so happy n contented. his mom cried n was bein thankful. i cried for bein accepted n appreciated. how open was their family tht struck me? i didnt knw it existed in a muslim community. so there we r like samson n delilah, romeo n juliet, bonnie n clyde. but we r a closet case ok. whn we go out on a date, its like bestfren day out. no one can tell. it went on for 3 yrs. (gawd im like crying typin this. ugh my keyboard is so flooded). so like thy say all good things wil cum to n end. he wasnt honest. he had an illness. he had a hole in his heart. as big as a 50cent coin. he didnt share wif me his grieve n i wasnt suspecting anythng. duh~ he ws an athelete. it was on our 3rd anniversary tht i got to knw. the day b4, he sounded normal, he was all excited to celebrate. he wanted it to happen at his house. it was his choice. the theme was all-white. it was to be celebrated wif his family. i was ecstatic. he even got me cool threads frm LV. on tha day, i was awoke by the sound of doorbell only to b welcomed by a noel delivery man. it was 99 white roses wif a red card saying 'you r the light of my life'. i went to freshen up n ready to go. reached, i ws shocked to c e number of people arrived. cool~ all white(i told myself). i had the roses in my hand. but thn sumthng struck me...wheres the music, laughter n runabout kids? y is evry1 so quiet? thts whn my heart beats fast, his elder sis saw me. i saw tears in her eyes. she came to me n hugged me like mad. i was numbstruck. wat happen? she only whispered..."dia dah pergi..." i was stil confused. thts whn i saw his mom, she came to me n hugged me too. she breakdown. she too whispered "dia dh pergi..." by now i got the message. i force myself to break free frm the hugs. i wanted to ran away. my arm was grabbed by his father..begging me not to leave..to perform his last wish..to hav me kissed on his forehead. but i cnt...i juz cnt. i pulled away...ran home. my famiy was away at thailand. i locked myself in my room. i called his hp. it was switched off, i left a voice msg tellin him tht his prank is rude n not funny at all. it was all such a cliche. evry1 dressed in white wif me having white roses. its too much. i cnt take it. thts whn i got a call frm his brotha tellin me tht hes gone. for good. forcin me to c him last time. i cnt. cnt even put myself together. i breakdown. i cried so much till i hav no tears to cry. i was down wif high fever. locked, alone in my room for 3 days. hes gone out of my life...
3) i tried to move on but i cnt, the best reason i cn give to my peers n family, i was stress n tired. it went on for a few months til i met wanie. she gave me a new lease of life. shes my bestfren til now. bcoz of her i was ready to face tha world agn. told her evryhtng abt me. thn i had a big assignment. it was fashion week. i had to run a versace show. thts whn i met julio. he was my 1st crush afta the late bf. he ws mr nice guy. but it didnt went far coz he only stay in spore for 6 wks. by thn it was over. but it was a nice 6 wks.
4) anotha fashion show, thts where i met this arabic model. mr crazy. supa irritating. cnt stand him. but very concern. to make it short, hes so lyk my bf. but it went dwn tha drain quickly even b4 u can say my name coz hes lyk gettin married soon n worst he got tha nerve to invite me. so much for tellin me tht im his life. fucka. hated him so much. but wht hurt me most, i was bein too ignorant n selfish tht whn i had n invitation frm his wife to come visit him in london where evryhtng will b paid for, i turn it dwn. flat. not knowing tht it wil be tha last tym i heard frm thm. he died. stomach cancer. it was 13th jan. i went berserk. it was supposed to be the most exciting day for me coz phat inc was born n i hav to fight the tears in me to face thm wif a happy face. tht explains me bein a grumpy person, ifa. i had my reasons.......
its not lyk im living in a facade. its tht i dnt wana share. i do. but its too sad to talk abt. so i type it dwn. i want my new love, dphat, to knw. especially tht sum1, whu wanted to knwevry1 in dphat well. i hope i ans frazze qns, i hope tht we stay togehter. no one hav to walk out. please~ thts y i kept sayin tht i keep fallin for tha wrong person. i dnt want this. i dnt dserve it. but wat the heck whn tha feeing is there, its juz there. i had to fight it to stay strong. thts y yest, anto qns abt whu i like, i cnt ans. coz i knw tht person wnt b tht strong to face it. he mayb defensive but hes too soft. i dnt want 2 break any bond i had wif u ppl. thts y he will only knw it whn i wil do tha talkng wic wil only happen whn either we split, hes attached or married or whn i thnks hes ready to face it. wateva happen yest, will remain yest ya. no blurping. to bad to those whu cnt stay or attend. i bliv it will make us 8 bond stronger thn b4. juz remember aint no mountain high enuff aint no river wide enuff to keep me frm u.
i think i talk too much. cya dalrs on mon,
toodles
mizbithaqueen
p.s: eventhou ur more open now, i still feel ur not bein total honest. but its ok. atleast my struggle of tryng to knw u paid off. but now i will try to make tht feelin for u die. its wats best for tha group n maself. pray for u the best to happen. i bliv in the sayin, if u love somebody let thm go n if thy come back they r urs to keep.
p.s.s:
darl anto, dont leave. m here for u.
sweety fadz, u rawk sista.
cute ifa n ayun, keep bein tha heart n soul of dphat
baby frazze, ur not alone, we r here for u.
sugar amir, thnk u for trusting me.
abang kidd, heehehe...ur so cool
my bitch fad, u r my betta half...bukan matayak ha...hee
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